In the wake of Jackass 3D, Matt comes up with seven alternative – and potentially disastrous – uses for stereoscopic spectacles…
7 Alternative Uses for 3D Glasses (With Catastrophic Consequences)
I hate to upset James Cameron, God knows I do. But amongst the many things I took away from Jackass 3D was the knowledge that 3D clearly works best as a novelty. Sorry, J-Cam. I like looking at 3D forests and dragons flying into sky-rocks as much as the next chap, but it doesn’t quite compare to having chunks of 3D faeces flying out of the screen at you. If you’re honest with yourself, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Like any person who wishes to maintain the sacredness of the 3D experience, I limit my 3D cinema visits to only the most essential outings (which, based on this article, include Avatar and Jackass 3D). Therefore, my 3D glasses (which I’m now lucky enough to get to take home with me) are not getting much use. This simply won’t do.
I’ve considered other possible uses for them and have come up with these ideas, all of which are incorrect answers to a question nobody asked.
Because real sunglasses cost upwards of £6 and you’ve already paid for these ones, there’s no reason your 3D glasses can’t multitask and be sunglasses too. My motto has always been ‘Why do one thing well when you can do several things at a sub-standard level?’ I’ve even got a wooden plaque proudly displaying this motto hanging above my desk as I write this. I made it myself, using a piece of old door and a biro. It looks dreadful.
Catastrophe is inevitable because: They offer almost no protection against bright light. Aside from potentially damaging your eyes by putting these glasses on and staring directly at the sun, you might also find yourself temporarily blinded by brightness while driving. Or maybe you use them to protect your vision-balls from the sun whilst on an exotic holiday to a mountainous area. I’ve seen people lose their balance on cinema steps while wearing these glasses. So, on the edge of a cliff or some such would prove problematic and ‘splatty’.
It’s worth noting that it does warn you on the bag that they aren’t actually sunglasses, which is why this is a lazy suggestion as well as a stupid one.
Potential fatalities: Lots. Should the car crash scenario come to be, a high death count can be expected. And should you take a tumble from a great height, there’s no telling who you might land on or who might slip on your liquidy corpse-jam.
2. Creating a false reality
Make tedious, everyday tasks exciting by pretending that they’re simply part of a 3D film. Give your bus journey to work a narrative arc, perhaps involving the driver being an evil robot monster who will explode if that group of annoying teenaged hate-sacks don’t stop playing bad rap music on their phones. Just because you have to live in reality doesn’t mean you have to interact with it!
Catastrophe is inevitable because: People interact with reality for a reason. It’s one of those unfortunate necessities of life. If I could spend all day at home sitting in my pants and an Iron Man helmet making swooshing noises because I’m pretending to fly, then I would. But it would ruin Christmas dinner for the rest of the family in much the same way as you turning up in silly glasses, munching on popcorn and hysterically laughing every time Nan gets a pop culture reference wrong would.
Furthermore, it would trivialise danger. 3D films have taught us that when something long and sharp is flying towards your face, you’re perfectly safe. Reality has, correctly, highlighted that this isn’t the case. By ignoring reality, the chances are that you’re going to end up sticking your head in front of moving arrow or recently fired bullet while going “ooh”.
Potential fatalities: 1. You.
3. Part of a disguise
These 3D glasses surely would come in handy for lurking in bushes or committing any other acts where identifying features, such as sparkling blue eyes that you could get lost in for hours, can cause you to stand out when your victim next sees you, likely in a police lineup.
Catastrophe is inevitable because: This will only work if everyone starts doing it. It won’t be difficult to catch the only criminal wearing 3D glasses, will it?
Police Officer: Would you mind describing the man who waved his genitals at you, madam?
Shaken Victim: He was thin, pale, had fake Star Trek ears, 3D glasses like they give you at the cinema and a blue t-shirt with the Den Of Geek logo on, available for purchase online for only £14 (plus p&p) in a variety of colours and sizes. And while you’re buying one of those, why not treat yourself to a mug for only £8.99?
Police Officer: Is that the man there in the bushes, madam?
Shaken Victim: Yes, it is. Please buy a mousemat.
Alternatively, what if they lure you into thinking you’re watching a crime caper rather than causing one? You’ll get careless. I just don’t see a scenario involving this idea that doesn’t involve some jail time.
Potential fatalities: 100s. If you did find they offered your criminal activities an effective cloak of anonymity, then who knows what you might do. A bloody killing spree with a homemade shiv seems likely.
To adapt your 3D glasses into a shiv, you’re going to need to go a bit Blue Peter. I’ll include a handy step-by-step guide, so it’s as simple for you as possible.
Step 1: Snap the arms off of the glasses and put them somewhere safe. Take the section of the glasses with the lenses on, the front bit, and forcibly insert it into your anus. Alternatively, you can dispose of it in any other way you see fit. Just be sure to keep it out of reach of children, as there will be some sharp edges.
Step 2: Take a knife, and whittle one end of each arm into sharp point.
Congratulations. You’ve just created your very own shiv. Perfect for recreating some of your favourite prison movie moments.
Catastrophe is inevitable because: It’s a flimsy weapon and once you bring stabbing into an equation, you really are going to want something sturdy. If nothing else, because you’re probably going to get stabbed back. This is another one that also carries serious jail time and is, I’d probably concede, morally wrong. I’m actually going to go right on ahead here and say that of all of the ideas on this list, this one is probably the worst. Also, if you’re using a knife to create the shiv, you’re absolutely wasting your time.
Potential fatalities: 7. You, plus a group of us who will die laughing at you for having the audacious stupidity to actually try it.
5. Impersonating Kanye West
There’s no way that the giant-skulled rap-warbler has never worn cinema 3D glasses as a fashion accessory. It’s simply impossible that it hasn’t happened.
Catastrophe is inevitable because: You end up looking like Kanye West, a man with a figuratively and literally giant head, who might be, even though nothing factually suggests it, a toilet nuisance. Once you’ve started to look like Kanye West, it’s only a matter of time before you start to act like him. Your relationship self-awareness will immediately strain and then shatter, the pieces frothing into nothing and disappearing forever. Then you’ll start singing like a robot.
Potential fatalities: 0. Consider this to be harmless, although be warned that you’re reaching Uwe Boll-ian levels of hatefulness if you do it.
6. Tomfoolery and deception
Have you ever watched a 2D film and wished that it was in 3D? No? What do you mean ‘no’?
Work with me, lie and say you have.
Yes? Well, how about pretending that it is by wearing your 3D glasses into the cinema for a non-3D film. This time, the pretending is not for your benefit. For this to work you need to pick a crowded showing and you’re going to have to make lots of ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ noises. If you really want to sell it, reach out a little bit to try to touch the thing that isn’t actually coming out of the screen (although exercise caution. You don’t want to prod someone in the back of the head. It’s impolite and they might be carrying a homemade shiv).
Once you’ve been banned from your local multiplex, you could try the same trick but in more interesting places. How about a highbrow play? (And by highbrow, I specifically mean not panto.) You could even make some stickers saying ‘Now with added 3D’ and stick them on the posters outside the venue.
Be creative. Maybe try it at home while watching TV with your family. Try it at a pop concert or while watching a video on your phone in a bustling public area.
Catastrophe is inevitable because: You’re will either anger a mob or become the subject of their collective ridicule. Once people work out that you’re playing a prank on them, or punkulating them, as the kids say, they will either think that you’re very stupid and tut loudly, or they’ll become infuriated and tear you limb from limb.
Also, while you may not count this as a catastrophe, it’s worth noting that this one involves wasting huge amounts of your time with absolutely no benefit.
Potential fatalities: 1. You, and if not you, then your dignity. Seriously, you’re better than doing this.
7. Further tomfoolery and deception
For this one you will need a beloved pet dog and several months to train that dog to wear 3D glasses without causing a fuss. We do a similar thing in my house where we make Dr. Poodle Von Cuddlestein wear reindeer antlers all year just so he looks adorable on Christmas morning. Interestingly, if you look into his eyes for long enough you can see an aching for death. It’s mesmerising.
You need for your dog to be used to wearing the glasses by 1st July 2011. On this day, take him to see Transformers 3. Now, you are going to need to get your dog into the cinema. However, if you look closely at what this list is, it’s ‘alternative uses for 3D glasses’, not ‘how to sneak a pooch into a Cineworld’. You’re going to have to do some of the thinking for yourself. What, do you want me to tuck you in at night, read you a bedtime story and tenderly kiss you on the forehead too?
Anyway, you bring your dog into the cinema and have it wear the 3D glasses for the duration of Transformers 3. Then, at the end, you have to loudly ask what it thought of the film, wait a moment like you’re pretending to listen, and then agree that you thought it was shit as well.
Catastrophe is inevitable because: You have to watch Transformers 3.
Also, I can only imagine that it would be next to impossible to control a dog in a cinema. Too many smells, too many people, too many flashing images of colourful robots clumsily scrapping for no interesting reason. No matter how well you’ve trained it to wear its glasses, it’ll still more than likely go on a rampage through the multiplex, leaving a trail of aggravated anarchy as it does.